Singing the Praise of Indoor Plumbing

I am not sharing this life with you if I do not include what occurs during spa days. I live out of a Honda Odyssey minivan, less than forty square feet. It works for me but it is very basic, no frills. After two weeks I need climate control and indoor plumbing. I need strangers to deliver junk food to me. So...I get a hotel room at the Comfort Suites. I think I have OCD because now it has to be a Comfort Suites. To recap, The American Outback has these proud sponsors*: Clan McGregor. Keystone Light. Comfort Suites.

My hotel rooms are ordinary: King sized bed. Desk. Microwave. Tub. The thing is, after two weeks in a minivan it is like being immersed in luxury; you really appreciate that there is a magic button that controls how warm or cold it is and another magic button that makes your bodily waste disappear. I tap a few things in my laptop and half an hour later food is dropped at the door. Amazing!

My hotel room stays are studies in gluttony. Each time I drink a six pack---each time. Two weeks ago I ate an entire large Dominos pizza and some mysterious buffalo chicken parts sort of entree. Last night, it was a Double Quarter Pounder, Filet o Fish, large fries, and three McDoubles. After eating sparsely on the road I go kinda nuts, but it’s all part of the fun. You need a pinch of excess in such an austere life.

Want to read more about my insane but hopefully entertaining life? The American Outback will be out on the 3rd of April.

Izk

*Okay, none of these fine companies actually are my sponsors. They should be, because I would rock a marketing campaign for them, but they are blissfully unaware of my existence. Also, I stopped drinking whiskey on the road cause, ah, it was disappearing a little too fast.