Preview One--What Peace Means to Us

The morning Noah came to live with me the trees were full of crows. There must have been hundreds of them, maybe even thousands. It was those birds that woke me up. The moment my eyes opened I remembered that my son was on his way.

Wide awake, stomach churning--what the hell had I done?

All the things my kid would need I was responsible for--

I had no idea what I was doing. None.

There wasn’t even any money for a real bed so I set up my old futon as best I could. Noah deserved better than to bed down on Sleepy McStains.

I had been anxious the entire week between the text and picking the Lil’ Dude up at the bus stop: What do nine year olds like to do? What do they like to eat? For me it was video games and chicken nuggets. I still liked chicken nuggets, maybe that would be the bridge; maybe the two of us would bond over a big plate of them. The crows squawked in the tree outside my window.

No, it was Grandma’s ghost laughing at how stupid I am.

I pulled the covers over my head but Grandma followed me into my sanctuary.

Closing my eyes only made it easier to see her stern face.

You have to be a man now, no more of your nonsense.

I could smell that my sheets needed washing. My phone beeped to remind me that it was time to get dressed and walk to the bus stop.

Leaving the house I thought about my own dad. He left one morning for work--who knows where the fuck he is now.

One of Grandma’s sayings: The apple never falls far from the tree.

Leave me alone, Grandma; if you love me you’ll leave me alone.

That wish as I fell in with the kids walking to a new school year. All of us heading to something new, something we instinctively dreaded. Got to the bus stop, looked up and down the road, found it impossible to stand still.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

What the fuck have I gotten Noah into?

The bus came and I picked a seat near the rear doors in case I had to puke. There was an old man in a green sport jacket standing in the aisle. Green Jacket was talking to the security camera behind the driver as if it were an old friend.

I could feel the crazy coming off him like notes from an out of tune guitar.

Starting to recognize the song I made every effort to ignore him.

Excerpt from What Peace Means to Us

(C) 2020 Izaak David Diggs

What Peace Means to Us, release date May 12, 2020