No Margin Left

On burnout, self-reliance, and learning when to stop.

I struggle to acknowledge my own weakness when I need help. 

It goes back to when I was a kid: I was my own rock, handling things on my own, sorting out my own fears and other emotions—

I think this is common in our culture, this belief that we need to push past our own vulnerabilities.

Our culture ingrains this requirement to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, meet goals, focus on achieving.

A lie, and a destructive one.

I was driving back from California two days ago. 

It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm. 

Coming out of the mountains, I needed a restroom as middle aged men do.

Seeing an exit promising a rest stop, I took it and got lost for a few minutes in Ashland, Oregon.

No big deal, right? Minor issue.

Despite that I lost my shit, just started screaming my head off in my car.

When the moment passed, there was the realization that I am not okay.

There is no “margin” left; the smallest stupidest thing like getting lost for a few minutes sets me off.

Sidenote to the ghost of Janov: The primal screaming didn’t make me feel better—

It scared me:

Screaming one’s head off in a Corolla is probably a red light on the dash.

But with the passage of two days I can look at this situation objectively: 

I need to rearrange my life, make big changes, allow myself time to process all the stuff going on with me.

This is not a luxury, this is not irresponsible, this is basic remaining sane shit.

It is really hard for me to give myself permission to go easy on myself—

I am very goal oriented, I always need to be doing something, achieving something.

Possibly you understand; like I said, this is all too common in our culture.

And it’s not just our internal conditioning—

At work we are extremely short staffed. Take a month leave of absence? They would have to hire someone else.

And I know people in my life would be worried: What will you do for money? It’s tough out there, finding another full time job with benefits will be difficult.

It would be, but when we recognize that we are at the breaking point, we have to allow ourselves to do what is needed to heal.

The alternative is disastrous.