How to Be a Real Man

I have neighbors; no idea how old they are, maybe around 30. A woman rents the apartment, her boyfriend is usually over. They argue all the time. More accurately, he yells at her:

“Fucking bitch. You fucking slut—where were you? Fucking liar. Fuck you, you fucking whore. Who are you talking to? Let me see your phone! You fucking lie, you fucking whore!”

This has been going on in since I moved in, probably longer. The landlord is aware, is doing what she can. Is my neighbor cheating on her boyfriend? Does she mislead him? In the end, it is irrelevant; he has the option of leaving. You feel someone is disrespecting you, you get out. It’s hard—you have strong feelings for someone, leaving is very hard, but sometimes you have to. You don’t disrespect yourself like that and you don’t disrespect yourself and disrespect others by using a bunch of threatening, abusive language. That’s part of being a real man. You do not talk to a woman like that…ever. No. Is she cheating on you? You get out, hard as it is, you don’t allow yourself to be disrespected---but you never yell a bunch of abuse or, God forbid, ever hit a woman.

This concept of being a real man has been distorted. There’s a lot of men out there who call themselves “Alpha Males”: They are going to make sure “their woman” is obidient and treats their man like the boss. That shit makes me cringe. That whole, “barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen” shit really turns my stomach. A real man can cook. A real man can even do the dishes after he cooks. Does he wear an apron with flowers all over it? Hey, whatever floats your boat, dude. A real man is looking for a partner, not some “docile, helpless, subservient kitchen wench.” A real man can admit when he’s wrong, that may be the toughest one; I know it’s a challenge for me. A real man can admit when he has made mistakes, owns them, and actually learns from them. Real men can face their emotions but they don’t use them as an excuse.

“I don’t know why I love you so much, you fucking whore, fucking liar.”

My neighbor’s boyfriend yelled that the first night I was here. First night. That’s not a real man, nor is that love. If you really love someone, you would never call them a "fucking whore" or a "fucking liar.” Love is an ambiguous term into which we throw a whole lot of emotions. In general, tough, it’s something warm and caring. Using that sort of language is not loving someone. Yeah, we all get angry, we all yell things in the heat of passion, but there has to be a line. As pissed off as you are there always has to be a line. A real man understands where that line is, a real woman does, as well.

I am fortunate, I had an excellent role model for what a real man is, my grandpa Jack. He was a very civil, soft spoken man. He was not some macho dude acting tough but he took absolutely zero shit. Zero. I do not imagine him raising his voice, but if you showed disrespect or were acting in a disrespectful manner, he had no time for you. People who disrespected women were held in a special sort of contempt. I was lucky to have Jack around as long as I did, lots of men don’t have a man like him as an example. They wander around lost, unsure. They start believing that “Alpha Male” crap. Or, they go in the opposite direction and are a helpless man child. I have failed at this real man thing, I have done things that would earn a lecture from Grandpa Jack. A real man understands there is always work to do on yourself, that there is always room for improvement. It’s not about money, it’s not about anything materialistic, it’s a state of being. It’s an openness to accepting that you can be wrong, sometimes very wrong.

I’ve said things about Kamala Harris being “an empty suit,” but that is just about politics. She seems a very tough, strong woman who takes zero shit personally—and it could lose her the election. Some men are threatened by strong women. Some men cannot accept a woman having authority over them including their emotions. A real man understands that the only reason a woman has not led men into battle is our insecurities and the rules we have created to protect our insecurities.

I’ve been in this apartment for six months, six months of hearing “fucking slut” this and “fucking whore” that. I am concerned, I listen when I hear them arguing for her sounding scared or hurt. “Luckily" she just sounds angry and disgusted. Hearing his diatribes, always peppered with the “f word,” I understand that is not how a real man would act. Okay, well what is a real man? This is my take on it. It’s not some buff dude with a mustache who can bench press a Kia and can fix an engine with a toothpick and a bottle cap, it boils down to respect. Respecting others, respecting yourself. Being a grown ass adult and handling your shit. Understanding that couples argue, couples even yell, it’s what they yell that matters. A real man understands that anger is toxic and finds a way to channel it. More importantly, a real man figures out why he is so angry and figures out a way to break it down and defeat it. A real man not only understands what he needs in a relationship but what he can give, and respects what his partner needs. A real man understands it’s better to be alone that make promises you can keep, to take what you cannot return.